Guest Profile
Deb Kaufman
I was born in Northern New York ,not even close to the city. In fact I could see Canada on the other side of the St. Lawrence River.
I moved to the south in 2013, I miss the beauty of the snow but not the frigid cold of winter. I enjoy the warmth of the sun even in the heat of a southern summer.
From the day I was born I was inquisitive, always questioning how things came to be or how could they possibley work? I had an uncanny connection to my suroundings. I was in tune to what would transpire, I spoke of it often. I soon learned this was uncomfortable for the people who did not understand what it was I was connecting with. I learned to shut it down and in turn supressed a huge part of who I am.
From time to time in my life this connection would try to resurface but I would stuff it back down in hiding, fearful someone would see my "early" ability to connect with the energy around me.
It took tragedy and loss to finally step into the person I was made to be. I found myself single after a long marriage, living in a place I did not know. My three adult children where close to me and that was s a blessing. However I didn't want to lean on them as they were going through thier own grief in watching thier parents separate after spending a life time together.I was far away from my mother, siblings, friends, church community, the job I loved. Basically I had left behind my support system. It is no wonder I got sick, very sick.
It took a statement said to me from one of the people I trusted to help make me well. I was told; I would not survive, I needed to make my final plans now while I could. That was my wakeup call, I chose to live. I would like to say I stepped into regaining my life, swinging at every obstacle in my way but I can't. It was messy, I had setbacks, doubts, fears even bitterness toward the ones who couldn't understand. I rose with an understnding that I could not be in a race. I had to stand in confidence and create a place to heal. I took the time to connect with the energy around me. I let God speak to me in comforting words, one day, one moment at a time.
It was through my fear of sleeping that I found my gift in art.
Although I lost several people to death at that time; The grief in losing my sister is what "broke" me. As I slept I dreamt about her. My mind was giving me a space to work through the grief. I rejected dreaming and refused to sleep. This is when art reached out to me. I had never done much of anything artistic before. Although, I now understand it has always been in me. I started to paint, not knowing what I was doing. I would get lost for hours in the paint, the color, the texture, the joy of bringing to life something I did not know was there. I was able to let my mind work through the grief to a place of understanding. I began to feel joy as I thought of my missing loved ones; the ones who had left this world. I embraced who they were in who I was.
It was so much more than that.. it was an awakening!
I found a place to embrace myself, to look deep inside and not get burned.
In fact the deeper I go the more beauty I find. All of the "stuff" I packed deep inside of me is bubbling out. I am happy to have brought myself back, all of me. My purpose is to share this gift. To offer to others who are stuck in thier own frozen state; A place to step into the energy of being who we are. No matter how messy it may look, we are created to create. I promise you there is beauty in who you are.
